My Heart

To My Dear Husband,

I love you!
That is all.

Actually I wanted to say this and have everybody know that if it weren't for you I wouldn't be who I am today.  If it weren't for you my dreams would never have come true.  If it weren't for you and all our bad times, our fights and disagreements I wouldn't have realized how lucky I truly am to be your wife.  If it weren't for all our good times and the wonderful son we created I wouldn't have realized what it means to be loved by someone else.

I know things are rough right now and it may feel like our foundation has been ripped from under us but I want you to know that as long as I'm with you, nothing else matters to me.  I'm ok living with nothing but the clothes on my back as long as I'm with you.  I'm ok never having to watch t.v. again as long as I'm with you because our life together is the only drama that really matters.
As long as you and Dorin are in my life I am truly blessed!
You are my world, I'm only sorry it has taken me so long to realize it.  I'm only sorry for all the aweful things I've ever said and will probably continue to say and do because through these aweful things we have risen and we are better than ever.

I love you my dear wonderful husband and I wanted you to know.
It doesn't matter where we may be in life, I will never stop loving you.


Your forever grateful and supportive wife.

new toy

i finally broke down and went and bought a handheld remote for my camera.  i couldn't help it and for thirty two bucks it was a steal.  of course i came home right away to have some fun taking pictures of myself  (who better to test it out on than myself?) because that's the whole reason i bought it, hellooooo.

as i pulled up in the drive i tucked the finger sized remote in my pocket with receipt and played it cool as i walked into the house.  the last thing i wanted to show my husband was that i bought another gadget for my camera, especially when we're on a budget *groan* but it was only thirty two bucks, to me this is justifiable.

hi honey, bye honey and i scampered up the stairs, mounted the camera on the tripod, positioned it just so and proceeded to snap the following pictures.  keep in mind this is the first time i've used a remote and the lighting in my office is peachy keen.

i am so impressed!  i mean if my jaw was gaping wide open that would have really been the icing on the cake.  you would think i would attempt a smile at least, yesh!

that's a bit better but what's with the tongue??  and the finger??  oy!  humiliation!

okay so now i tried the side profile, at least i have on my decent smile, usually i smile like i have chicklet teeth

getting much better...

getting the hang of this remote...i like it!

all in all it was a good purchase.  i have a funny feeling i'm going to be having a lot of fun with this little gadget :)

one hot day

every monday to friday at around two forty five i make my way to Noel Booth Elementary to pick up my son from school.  this daily commute happens not once, but twice a day.  such is the life of parents, but i don't mind.  my son is very lucky to go to such a wonderful school where the principal is the the one and only Peter Luongo.  the director of the internationally acclaimed Langley Ukulele Ensemble.

on nice days i usually let him stay at the park and play.  of course in tow i have my...you guessed it...camera.  picture opportunities can happen anywhere anytime and i like to be prepared.

i snapped these while he was busy climbing around the equipment and showing off for me.

Gulp!....

you know how when you have a fear of something someone always tells you the best medicine is to just conquer it?
for some it's an iddy-biddy widdle spider but when you're scared of them suddenly that iddy-biddy widdle spider is HUMONGOUS and has sixteen legs and twelve eyeballs all starring back at you, taunting you, what are you gonna do?  you gonna smack me?  i dare you!  you either one, smack it over the head with whatever you have on hand or is near by, or two scream for help at the top of your lungs.  for me, it's the latter.  but that's not my biggest fear.

i'll give you a hint.  i need it more frequently now than i ever did before.  it usually lasts me a week before i need more.  the thought of having to go get some terrifies me.  have you guessed yet?  that's right, i'm terrified of pumping my own gas.  not what you were expecting i'm sure but here's the thing.  i get all wigged out when i have to drive up to the gas pump.  for one, i can never remember what side my hole is on and feel completely sheepish having to pull out and back in...again...i'm more likely to just pull out and drive to the next pump...at least these people won't have seen my foolishness.  granted i'm not the only one who has done this before but when the other pumps are occupied it suddenly feels like everyone is looking and laughing.  for two, a lot of the pumps here in BC are prepay only.  when we first moved out here i tried to pump my own gas and swore all the pumps were broken when nothing came out.  imagine my delight when over the intercom a voice tells me i have to prepay.  now the guy next to me is busting his gut in fits of laughter all the while shaking his head thinking that one word...foreigner.

Gawd!  i slide my visa through the slot and hover over the numbers while trying to enter my pin number hoping nobody notices, i pull the pump out and proceed to insert it into my car and still nothing comes out.  i'm such an idiot, i forget to choose my brand.  regular, always regular because it's cheaper and let's face it i'm not a millionaire.  finally, i can feel the gas coming out of the nozzle.  it takes forever and i swear as i watch it count up to the amount i want it goes slower and slower.  suddenly it spits the nozzle button out.  what the heck?  i wanted sixty bucks worth dang it.  push the button back in...fifty five...fifty six...button back out.  you will fill up to my sixty bucks worth or else!!  at this point i wipe sweat off my brow.  three people have come and gone by now.  the guy over the intercom must think i'm a complete moron but i don't care.  i've come this far.  i force down the button and squeeze my sixty bucks worth of gas out of the nozzle and it's finally over.  but wait.  now i have to put my gas cap back on, how many times do i turn it?  three, four?  i don't want the blasted thing to fall off on the way home.  what does everyone else do?  i glance around and decide to crank it as much as it will go.  i hop in the car and pull away.  i've done it.  i've survived another trip to Husky and as happy as that makes me i'm also filled with dread because i know, next week i'll have to do it all over again.  sigh!

cub scout

getting close to the end of the school year also marks the end of my son's cub scouting program.  what a year it has been!  i have learned a lot about my son as he progressed from still holding my hand while we cross the streets to "ew mom, that's not cool!"  and i knew to expect that but i think it breaks every mothers heart when her son finally gets to that stage.  of course me being me i still hug and kiss him in front of his friends just to embarrass him because someday he will be reminded that i will love him endlessly no matter what.  oh to be a kid again with the only worry is if your mom is going to embarrass you again.  as long as i breath, rest assured at some point or another, i will :)

self worth

today started out as one of those days when you wake up and feel unstoppable.  the world is at your fingertips.  that is until you look in the mirror.

as a woman and maybe because I've just turned 30 in april, when i look in the mirror and see my own reflection looking back sadness starts to fill me.  when I think of where i was fifteen years ago and how far i've come i can't help but feel sad knowing all the time that has already passed, and at the same time feeling as if i have so much farther to go.

i'm slowly starting to realize something about myself, that i am my own worst saboteur when it comes to anything in relation to my life.  my weight, my business, my family...i look at what other people have and what they say and that age old saying (with a twist) "the grass is greener on the other side" comes to mind.  the truth in fact is that it is not, and i know this but it's so easy to take what you already have for granted and want more.

when i started weight watchers i believed i was doing it for myself.  thinking back on that now even though i only lost fifteen pounds since i joined which is a huge deal to me, i can't justify counting points for the rest of my life and weighing in every week.  it doesn't feel like i'm doing it for myself anymore.  it feels like more of a chore and i have to continue to lose the weight to have everyone else accept me, otherwise i feel like i'm letting them down and wasn't this something i was supposed to be doing for myself anyway?  why?  why can't we be happy with who we are?  why do we always try to change for other people and meet their expectations while we put our needs and wants on the back burner?
i read something very interesting today which made me cry if truth be told. Life Lessons... it's refreshing to know that even someone as beautiful and talented as Janine Sept can feel the way i do.  to rephrase, why do we as women let the value of our worth be measured by someone else?  why are we so scared to believe enough in ourselves to trust that we are beautiful and smart and funny and talented and so much more?

after i read her post it was like an epiphany hit me. and then i got mad...at myself for allowing the careless words others throw around about me to affect me and have such a huge impact on my life.  and at the world for setting such high standards for beauty and happiness and what it means to be successful.  to heck with it all!

i am beautiful!  i am talented, and not just at one thing but at many things!  i can sing, i can draw, i can act!
i am a good friend and an excellent photographer!  i am an amazing mother to my son and a damn good wife to my husband!  i am a good daughter and sister and someday i'll be an amazing grandmother!

i don't need haters in my life telling me i suck and rolling their eyes at me.  or people telling me if i was thinner i'd achieve a lot more.  to all you haters i say f@$% y%&!  i am so much better than you because i finally see you for what you really are, sad and miserable and only feel good by putting others down.

i am so much better off without you because i believe in myself!

thank you Janine for your amazing insightfulness and for opening my eyes for the first time to my own value!

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance" ~ Bruce Barton